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Battlefield.

Hello There.

Hope I don’t take too long to type this out.
I feel like addressing the issue on strength. Not physical strength, but yknow, emotional and mental strength.

For some of you who know, good for you. For those of you who don’t, then let me tell you.
I’ve been well, Alhamdulillah. Just living my life with as much joy as possible. I’m at peace with everything around me and I am very happy and satisfied.

Recently, I broke down. Unexpectedly.
It shocked me because since I came to the realisation that I was content with my life, I have not whined about the issue ever again. Neither have I cried about it. I am genuinely OKAY and I’m not, and have not been faking it just to put up a front. So I was… surprised.

Nevertheless, you can’t push away emotions. Apparently, it’s normal for one to have moments of weakness where we feel irritatingly, and insanely vulnerable. So what happened was, it built up from one thing to another. I personally thought that *pfft*, this is just a stupid feeling and I will forget about this tomorrow, like how I forget about everything else that is not important to my life. I gave myself a little bit of leeway- I allowed myself to think about it for the rest of the day but at the same time ensuring that by the next day, this would all be a faint memory. So I pondered.

Little did I know, that it was affecting me more than I thought it would. So for about 3 hours, I was living in denial. I ended up crying.

(this is very embarrassing, but ok whatever)

I was quite angry at myself, cos I was being really stupid and weak. I shouldn’t have felt anything that could move me to tears of sadness. I should have just felt neutral. But I didn’t. And what made me angrier was that, I didn’t know the reason why. I rationalised to the best of my abilities to figure out why I broke down. It wouldn’t make sense if I broke down for no rhyme or reason. After much rationalising, I got nowhere. One by one those who were close to me started to ask if I was okay. I explained, and I got their views. To me, it MIGHT have been the cause of my sudden moment of weakness that I did not forsee coming. But I wasn’t satisfied.

I thought I would find out why I broke down, but I didn’t. Interestingly, I didn’t care. But I did cry to my hearts content while sitting alone in my dark balcony, watching the sky and the moon. After a while, it just didn’t seem worth it to me. At all. All this crying, emotional stress, pondering… It wasn’t worth it.

I got up and told myself,

“I refuse to let something/someone dictate my feelings. I dictate my own happiness and my own sense of joy. Nobody/Nothing can take away my happiness JUST BECAUSE they had/have an effect on me. EXCEPT GOD.”

And then I was normal again.

If this happened to me a few months prior to the present, I think I would still be crying and dragging myself out of bed feeling lousy and useless and purposeless in life or something. But it happened NOW, and I am very pleased with how far I have come.

Being able to tell yourself that you have a right to be happy is not easy. It takes determination, perseverance and a whole lot of courage. Sometimes you can’t help but to just drop on the floor and just lie down there and wait for time to pass. But it doesn’t work that way.

Sometimes you just wait for that miracle to come and appear in your face and everything will be normal- or so you hope it will. It doesn’t work that way.

There is a certain amount or limit of time you can wait for someone to come back.
For you to find your threshold, you gotta ask yourself why are you breathing right now. What are you here for?
To wait for someone who would potentially never return?
To wait for a miracle to happen, JUST LIKE THE MOVIES, and the person you once loved come running back to you and you both live happily ever after?

No.

This is not ‘JUST LIKE THE MOVIES’.
Life is too short to spend your time waiting on people who don’t give a chicken shit about you, who don’t feel the way you do, who don’t expect the things you do.

“I tried but I can’t do it”

Then try again. People push you down to your lowest. Staying there isn’t going to help you. Get up, and carry on. and TRY AGAIN. People push you down so you can show them how you get back up. Every time you fall, you get up.

You have to want to be happy to BE happy.
You can’t just say it, you have to work hard for it.

I’m not strong cos I was built to be. I thank all the people who got me into sticky and shitty situations cos if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I got thrown so many things in my face (not literally) all at one go. I thought that would never get out of the shit. But here I am today, breathing, alive and most importantly, HAPPY.

Life is, well- a battlefield. You fight for your rights. And you fight for what’s right. Sometimes if you’re lucky, you’ll have someone to fight with you and tell you that everything’s gonna be okay. If you’re luckier, you have good friends you can trust to fight with you as well.

However, if you’re alone, it doesn’t guarantee you will lose everything. Maybe you’ll lose fights and battles, but you will win cos you are your own saviour and your own army. You don’t need anyone else and that’s the one trophy that money can never buy.

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