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I think God can explain.

It seems that no matter what I do, I’ll never be good enough for anyone. There’ll always be something about me that is a problem or an issue. And I can’t help but ask why is it so. Am I that bad of a person? Am I considered very mean and insensitive just because I speak what I feel?

Maybe I did something bad to deserve something like this. On the outside I look confident and everything. I am, but I just feel that I am never going to be good enough in anything for anyone.

I’ve realised that I’ve met too many people who step into my life and just leave me.  And I wonder why is that so. Was it something I did? Something I said? The most frustrating part of it is that the ones who just walk away never tell me the reason why they walked away. It leaves me hanging and wondering where I went wrong if I did. I feel really low and upset cos the feeling of being not good enough and have people catch you and let you go at the last minute with no explanation is not really a feeling that is enjoyable.

I’ve been told to just don’t entertain feelings that may lead me to feel this way eventually. And Maybe that’s just what I will do. I’ve cried too much this year that I can’t even cry to release my own emotions. It’s that bad. It’s really frustrating. But what can I do right? So yeah, Like i said, I think God can explain. Till then I keep reminding myself to have faith in Him no matter what.

I feel that I accomodate so much to people. That whenever they hurt me, I don’t really bother. I make excuses for them. And I put their happiness first, and their feelings first before my own. I let people step over my head cos I feel that it’s okay for them to do so. Just as long as I don’t do such things to other people and that they will get their retribution. I let people have me shower my care and concern on them, and never complain when I don’t get any in return. Cos I think that it’s nice to see other people happy, even when my own happiness is being sacrificed.

Then I’m reminded that I’m only human and I, too, deserve to be treated fairly. But being treated fairly is for no human to judge except for God. And so I leave it to God to decide my fate and destiny.

However, I pray that He’ll bless me with the strength and patience to push through emotional hard times that I always find myself stuck in. I pray that He’ll strengthen my determination and will power and focus. And I pray that He’ll bless me with the confidence that I can make it through all these without anyone to lean on except my close friends and family. Even though sometimes I feel that at certain times it’d be nice to have someone special to rant to, to run to, to give you a tight hug, and to tell you that it’s gonna be okay and to pray when all the other superficial things still don’t make you feel any better.

Insya Allah, I pray He’ll answer my prayers.
Faith.

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