“So I traveled back, down that road. Will you come back- no one knows. I realized it was only just a dream.
– Nelly, Just A Dream
On the way home today I started thinking and I made a few options in my head.
First up. Face it. I will never be good enough. I mean, I’ve come to terms with that. But yes. I will never be good enough to be seen walking beside him. HONESTLY. I feel inadequate and undeserving of someone like him. I’m not exactly the most pious girl around, though I know my boundaries and I have my self worth and dignity. And I pray that Allah will guide me to be an even better person. Insya Allah, Amiin.
Then, comes the fact that he’s really keen on studying overseas for a very long time. And i mean, like years. Though I am amazed at how driven he is on studying abroad to achieve what he wants, a part of me feels like, it’s almost impossible for me to go through that kinda stuff. I know I’m really thinking freaking shit ass far, but I’ll get to that at the later part of this post. Of course I’d want him to stay here in Singapore and study. but see, that’s what I want. I am nobody to him and I have no right to let him know what I want. It’s his life, and he is allowed and permitted to do what he wants with it. And as a good person that I aim to be and I should and could be, I must support him in every decision that he makes. I will give my two cents worth of advice and opinions, but it ultimately depends on him.
If that’s how it’s gonna be then… I dont know? I feel kinda skeptical? Like I am very afraid. In a sense that hi, okay this amazing person comes, stays for awhile, then leaves me. On second thought maybe it would be good in a way. I get to concentrate fully in university and when I get my degree (Insya Allah) he’d be back with his. or maybe i gotta wait for him for awhile. like a year or something. But yah, the fact that a 3-5 years… It’s not a short time. It’s freaking shit ass long. And I dont know if I can handle that kind of stress. I mean I can live and survive. But when the heart yearns for something or someone far away, the pain is unbearable in the beginning. And as time passes by, you just look forward to the end of each day cos that brings you a day closer to one’s return. The feeling just sucks, yknow.
I know I’m thinking like freaking far. Hence, I made decisions in my head and kinda talked to myself and Allah. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. Allah will create a path for us, short or long, hard or easy, it will be a path. But if it’s not, then it’s not. And if it’s not meant to be, I pray that Allah will bless him with a girl who’s so much better than me in every way that is humanly possible. Prettier, smarter, more pious, more dainty, more soft spoken blahblah. The ideal girl. Cos that’s what he deserves. An ideal girl who’s a perfect match for him. I admit I am not his ideal girl. I think I’m not. Wait, I know I’m not. But yah, if that girl he ends up with is not me, I pray that he’d be bless with the best muslim girl out there.
You see this is what happens when you’re on the way home in the bus on a rainy day.
I’m only 18. (OK SHUT UP I KNOW MY AGE 18 GLORY DAYS ARE ALMOST OVER STOP RUBBING IT IN)
Well we’ll see what the future holds.
Nevertheless, I am happy with the present