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Hurdles.

So. Many things have happened since the last time I posted. I don’t really wanna say much cos, I am lazy 😀

But from the top of my head, this is what I wanna talk about. And I don’t give a chicken shit about how you people think about it.

Two things tonight.

Here’s the first.

I honestly have had enough of this childish shit. Like I’m tired, aren’t you? I guess not. But okay. The choice is yours. My conscience is clear, I meant it when I apologised. And I meant it when I kneeled down on the prayer mat telling Allah that I’ve forgiven all those who’ve wronged me, and I asked Allah for forgiveness for my wrongdoings to other people. And that was sincere. Fo real. But I suppose my hopes of things getting better and that we’d all move on from what had happened, were dashed. At first I was skeptical. Maybe I was wrong to have labelled you people. But now when I think back, I take back the feeling of being skeptical to begin with. Because the point has proven itself. I know what you guys might think- If I’m over it, why am I still talking about it. I guess the reason (or maybe to you- the excuse) is that I had an intention of the friendship to work. I hoped for all of us to MOVE ON. But apparently not. Some men, I mean boys, had balls- that apparently grew legs and ran away.

I’m done, okay. I’m done trying. I’m done fighting. I don’t want to be part of this group anymore. I don’t want to be seen in pictures with this group anymore. For real this time. In all honesty. Like people always say that “A picture speaks a thousand words”. Yes, it does. But it does not prove that what you see in the pictures is what it all really seems. Outsiders look at pictures and say “Wow these bunch look really tight.. To have done such an awesome thing for a friend.. That’s nice” But when you dig deeper, it isn’t really what it looks like. We all have our differences, negative thoughts and opinions about one another. And to me, it’s just not supposed to be that way, yknow. Pictures, real life, it’s supposed to be REAL. Not just putting up a front. So yeah, that’s just my take on it.

Secondly, I just wanna reminisce for a little. Considering that this time last year, I was happier. I didn’t feel as miserable as I feel today- like right at this moment. But anyway, I don’t think I’d wanna brood on that considering that people DO read this page of mine. And truth be told, people DO get pissed over the things I say. I was triggered to write about this cos of a conversation I had with my cousin about a day back.

She asked me why is/was it so hard for me to carry on with my life?
What about that person made me hold on to this string of hope that things will go back to what it was?

I have lived in this little bubble of mine for the past 8 months ish. It hasn’t been a comfortable ride at all. I know nobody gives a shit about it, but until you’ve felt what it’s like being in my shoes, then you can come and talk to me about it.

But here’s the thing, as I continued explaining to her what really happened, and why I just found it extremely hard to move on, ironically, I think, I moved on.

And at first I thought maybe I was just kidding myself. But after much thought, that conversation I had with my cousin, was it. That was it.

I have no idea if this is true, but I guess after a while of not knowing everything 100%, you’d tend to settle down for what you think is the most optimal and positive reason. Maybe after saying this people would like laugh at me and say shit like “DREAM ON SIA” or like “SERIOUSLY?”

But this was what I told my cousin
“He didn’t leave because he stopped loving me. He left cos I suppose he cared too much to hurt me anymore”

Once I said that, I guess I got the closure I needed.
I was happy. Very happy. I was blessed. And I thanked Allah every day for bringing him into my life. But I suppose, things just couldn’t work out. And there was nothing I could do about it.

To whom it may concern with regards to the 26th,
If you think I’ve hated you all this while for doing what you did to me 8 months ago, I don’t.
I don’t hate you. Not even one bit.
Of course, I was hurt. But I have nothing against you. I bear no grudges, at all.
So yeah, All this while, you’ve been waiting for me to like be over it.
Well your prayers were finally answered.

And to the people it may concern with regards to the group I used to belong to,
I don’t hate you. Really, I don’t.
I’ll be fine with the people who’re fine with me. But for those who aren’t then fine. Like really. I don’t care anymore. Like for real.

So that’s that. I hope this clears up every single thing that has been clouding my mind (maybe you others also)

I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. Fo real.

I’m out. Nightz peeepulzz.

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