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Nobody Is To Question Me About This. I Mean It.

Disclaimer:
I really take the title of this post seriously. If you think you know what/who I’m talking about, then okay. But don’t come to me and pep talk me. Cos I’m really just penning down thoughts. I’m not being bitter, I just don’t want people to talk to me about it.

Okay. to be honest, I’ve been feeling rather not myself since saturday. Here’s why.

After I got home from F1 (which I have not blogged about yet, I will soon. Promise) I was super excited. Spent a whole day with Daddy. Told my experience to Mummy. Only to be greeted with a “(Blank) got distinctions ah! GPA drop abit only! You? Fail one subject. you better buck up ah. Which University want to take you?”

At first I just threw it aside. Then when I was in the shower. I was really pissed at myself. Like seriously. I was so mad at myself. For not putting enough effort, for not being smart enough, for not being good enough. Like i felt as though everyone thought I’m the only child, i take everything for granted, lazy to study, cheat to get into one of the good courses in TP via DPA. Like as though I’m a lucky bitch who doesn’t deserve it. And that made me feel really small.

Of course, I never told her about it. She asked me if something was wrong I said, I was just tired (work the whole day then F1, of cos ah tired) and I shrugged it off. I never knew it would drag on till now. Don’t take this the wrong way, I am thankful for what Allah has given me in my life. Syukur Alhamdulillah. But as a human, I can’t help but wonder why there are some people out there who have it very easy. It’s like whatever I want, they have. And it’s not a matter of the things they own or have. It’s the matter of emotions and brains and brawn. Like I ask why am I not smart enough? Why can’t I get good grades and distinctions? Why can’t I be in a healthy relationship with a decent person? Why don’t I work hard enough? or Why is my hard work never enough?

Yah. these questions. Some people have it soooo easy. I mean think about it okay. Just stop and think for a moment. Don’t think about being self righteous. Just think by being a human. You will realise that there are people who exist that have it THIS easy. I know that all of this is for Allah to test me. To see how strong I am, to see how devoted I am to Him. I know that. And I have faith that I will get what I deserve. Maybe not now, but later. I know that I feel this way because it’s the best for me.

And just for your information, I do not take things for granted. Don’t stereotype me just because I’m the only child. I am eternally thankful and blessed for my family and the things that I have. Maybe, unlike other people, I have to work 5 times harder to achieve my goals and aspirations. And maybe with that, then I will be a better person in the near future. And maybe with that, I will be able to tell my life story to people, or my future children (if i have any, Insya Allah) and inspire them to never ever give up on life and never ever forget Allah and have faith in Him.

I always say that Allah doesn’t give His people suffering if He doesn’t have confidence that they can get through it. Sometimes I need to think harder to make sure I always remember that. Everything happens for a reason. And everything has a weird way of working out. Short way, long way, end of the day, it will work out. If you have faith, and always remember Allah, do good things, Insya Allah, Allah will bless you with the luxuries on Earth, and in Akhirat. Like bless you with rezeki, good health, good job, good family, good friends on Earth. And amal ibadah (good doings), Iman, Akhlak, akidah in Akhirat. Insya Allah.

So that’s that. (okay sorry that was rather emotional)

Another thing, I’m gonna text him (again) tomorrow. But since I’m already on my blog, I’ll just say it here as well.
Afiq Malik, I really miss you. I know you’re busy with Bakau and sessioning. But I miss you. I told you how proud I am of you being in Bakau. I mean it. But I really miss you. I don’t expect you to take time off to meet me cos I know you’re taking the time that you have for holidays to session and improve on your skills. But at least, reply my text. I don’t know maybe we kinda lost touch of the common topics to talk about. But I miss you. So. I’ll text you tomorrow/today.

(I got emotional again. omg wtf is wrong with me)

So that’s that for today. I’ll blog again about my F1 experience and how i don’t really enjoy my job. hahaha.
As quoted by F,

merry slumbers, everyone!

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