If all else fails, you gotta have faith.
I always tell myself that. You just got to believe and have faith even though it seems pretty much hopeless. Time and again you got people who care who’ll tell you not to brood over it. You know they’re right. Cos thinking about it will just waste your time. Nothing in this world is ever fair. And I learnt to live by the three Cs and three As.
At the same time, as much as you dont want to brood over it, you cant help but do so. Although you know it’s not worth it. It’s these kind of things where you cant just walk away from, or refuse to think about. Cos reality check: you will. Living in denial is one of the worst things that you can ever go through. Believing something that is not true. Or believing in something that’s not there. Like I said, when all else fails, you got to have faith. I guess in that period of denial that you were/are in, you had faith in what you believed in, although it was close to non existent. But then again, who are we to question, why things didnt happen? We have no right to say that our faith wasnt enough. All we can do is just absorb. Like a sponge. Face it, there’s nothing much that we can do. Retaliate? Riot? Be angry? Start screaming your head off? No. The right thing to do is to remain patient. It’s not easy, really. Keeping yourself from crying or feeling any form of anger.
I admit, it’s been hard. It’s been hard for me to not feel any form of negativity. Everytime i feel like I’m about to feel it, I’ll supress it. Cos I personally feel that it’s not worth it. However, as patient as i try to be sometimes, I’m only human. There are times where I feel as though I cant do it anymore. There are times when i feel like waving the white flag and just not try to get better. Times when i feel so tired to even try. I’ll just live in constant pain and fear. Cos it seems so impossible. When this happens, let’s just say tear gas is released at home. This is when I’ll sit alone by myself, and have my conversation with God. Honestly, I feel that He’s the only one who knows what goes through my head all the time. Even when i try to explain to others what i feel, it never seems to come out right.
I tell God how weak I feel. How tired i am of trying. How my heart cringes every once in a while. How things remind me of what used to be. How i remember the little things, if not everything. And I’ll tell Him how I’m just a human, who can never run away from making mistakes and going through hard times. I know that He’s testing me, I know that He’s testing me cos He believes in me and that He knows I deserve better. He’s testing me of my patience and devotion to Him. In fact, I should be thankful that I’m going through this. Cos it shows that God is thinking of the best for me. He is the Almighty and the Great. He knows everything, and He knows best. This proves that the thing that makes me cry isnt cos it failed; but cos I’m trying my best to be a better person, to gain something positive from this. And it makes me sad whenever i feel that I cant do it. After I talk to Him, I’d feel better. I prayed for His guidance, strength and patience. Ustazah taught me that I need to believe that God will help me. Even when I cant see it, I must believe that He will in the end. I must never expect anything in return from anyone. Cos whatever good or bad that I do, He will give me what I deserve.
And then there’s my friends. The ones who stick by. The one who havent been there physically for a year, but still meet me to give me a hug, ask me if I’m okay. My girls, Farie and Liyana. They’re in NYP. And I’m in TP. But thank God for holidays, really. They’ve been so far away for almost a year, and honestly, they’ve always been there, NO MATTER WHAT. MSN, texts… All the time. I’ve realised who my real friends are. I know how to distinguish the ones who’re there and who’re not. There are those who are there, but not there. Wahidah, who honestly, sometimes I feel like she’s different somehow. But SHE’S STILL THERE. She’s still the Wahidah who’d listen and tell me off sometimes.
Then there are those. Who’ve been there, close to me for the past year. But guess what? I dont see them anymore. I dont even speak to them anymore. I’d like to guess or assume that it was cos of what had happened. And I’d like to assume that the excuse is, they needed to get used to it or they were afraid i’d break down, or they were afraid that i needed space. Yes, excuse. Not reason, but excuse. If there’s anyone who needed to get used to something, it’s me. I have to adapt and get used to the fact that I do not have someone by my side anymore. That I’m standing alone, once again. I have to admit, I was angry at the beginning when i realised how far i feel. but now i feel nothing but disappointment.
Then L told me the possible reasons why. I’d have to agree that it’s plausible.
I feel like, I misunderstood the meaning of friends.
Keeping me going, what Wahidah reminded me. Sometimes I tell her things that keep me going in times of crisis. And sometimes I forget I said what i said. I know it sounds lame. But when she reminded me of it, i’ve been currently thriving on it.
“I’ll pick up the pieces, like I always do”
So that’s what I’ll do.
With heartache, disappointments, what have you.
I’ll pick up the pieces.