It’s been a month. I couldnt fall asleep at F’s chalet once Midzi came in to get some stuff. So I meddled with my phone. I mustered up the courage to read every conversation I had with him via sms on my phone. Since he left, i never tried to read his texts. But this time, I just thought I could do it. So I did. I ended up crying. My two girls were sleeping beside me. I didnt wanna wake them up. I thought midzi would be awake in the other room to hear me out, but he wasnt. The guys were sleeping too. So i cried alone. Re-reading the text, the one where he said we should end the relationship, was the worst feeling ever. He gave up. He just gave up on us. That hurt the most. He gave up.
It reminded me how empty I really am. And how hard it is for me to hang on and keep on feeling positive and happy no matter what. I told myself I have to go back to who I was. Patient and just content with what I have. That proved to be a very difficult thing for me to do. It still is. But I gotta do it.
Time, it flies. A month ago, I was cramming in physio psych whilst trying to block everything that was not important. I remembered crying so hard, my eyes hurt a month ago. But tears, words, and everything else wasnt enough. It never was. Nothing was ever enough.