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A Beautiful Mess

Two weeks have passed.

The void that i feel within me feels no different than when it first came knocking on my door. Everything seems the same. I still feel empty. In these two weeks I’ve grown closer to my friends. I’ve grown closer to the 2 girls that have always been there for me. The time we have spent apart cos of the distances between schools made it difficult for us to catch up. I could not have asked for better girl friends. And to quote Gwyneth Paltrow, “The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends”

It’s amazing how memories are able to hold our hands. But it’s the people who let go. Memories are just things in your head that you remember. Stored in the part of your brain. And it doesnt help that emotional memories are easier to encode, keep and retrieve. It doesnt help either that you cant choose what you want to remember and what you dont want to remember. But it’s life. It’s life. People are gonna backstab you, and break your heart. People are gonna make you feel small and people are going to make you feel guilty. The harsh situations of life, i suppose.

For the past two weeks, I find myself alone, drowning myself in physical education. And everytime i do, I have my own time alone. I think about what has happened and why it did and what i can do about it. unfortunately i find myself not being able to find an answer to any of the questions. things just well, happen. I cant deny that I’ve cried. Over long periods, when i feel like it, or when i just feel empty. But after that I tell myself that God is great. And He knows best. Who am I, a mere human, to be angry at the way things are? Who am I to question His decisions for me?

It has come to a point where I feel absolutely nothing. Numb. Like as if there’s nothing there. At all. I still am disappointed. Disappointed at how the relationship couldnt work out. And I understand that he doesnt want to disappoint me anymore. But I would have survived little blows of disappointment. I would have been able to survive them little blows of disappointments from time to time. But him walking out, was the biggest disappointment. Who knew that the one who fell for me first, walked out first. I never doubted his feelings for me in our relationship. Because I trusted him that he’d never break my heart. But he did.

I have no reason to be angry at him. But its the disappointment that I find it hard to live with. I never thought I’d fall for him to begin with, but I did. I never thought he’d break my heart, but he did. He was my hero. I looked up to him for his determination, his patience and sincerity. Maybe when one gets what he/she wants, that’s it. You dont have to do anything more. but you do, you do have to do something. I guess he didnt realise that before getting into a relationship.

In the beginning i prayed. I prayed that he’d return. But I came to realise that if it as meant to be, I wont even have to try. So i stopped praying that he’d come back. I prayed that God would bless me with the strength and patience that I need to get through this. I prayed that He’d give me his guidance to get through this tough time. And I wont stop praying for that.

Maybe. Just maybe i already knew he never loved me anymore. Maybe I already knew that when he replied I love you too, it was just to make me feel better. Being someone who’s been close to him, I could tell. I could see it in his eyes, his behaviour. I knew he stopped loving me. I knew he never felt the same way anymore and that i was the one doing the tango by myself. My partner- drifted away. Far away from me. Although i was aware that he didnt love me anymore, I refused to believe that. I refused to believe- to even think about- the fact that he didnt love me anymore. And when the relationship was deemed as broken, I was sad. disappointed. distraught. devastated. but i knew it was coming. I didnt want to believe it. Cos I thought he’d fight. Fight for me. Fight for us.

But he didnt. He left me to pick up what was left of the non-existent “us”. I knew he was happy to finally be free from a relationship. I knew he heaved a sigh of relief after he made the decision that we should end the relationship. And I was the one, who had to break down. the one who had to cry buckets of tears. And to mend my broken heart. My broken heart that i trusted him not to break. But he did.

That’s how disappointed I feel.

Carrie Bradshaw: I thought I’d still be in extreme pain. but I feel nothing.

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