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Broken.

So here’s where I begin. Here’s where I begin that lengthy post, pouring anything and everything that I’ve been keeping deep within.  The date that used to greet me for the last three months has turned insignificant. Amalul and I broke up the night before our final exams begun. I didnt regret talking to him about it right before the exams because I felt that if the relationship wasnt going to work out, there was no reason for us to prolong the pretended relationship. Like saying goodmornings and I love yous and I miss yous were just to make ourselves live in the moment. Until the day when we’d finally talk about it and end it. I didnt want that. Cos when someone tells me that they love me, they must mean it. Not just say it for the sake of it.

Somehow I knew that our relationship had an expiry date. After our first problem- the whole lack communication, no spark, distance thing, I hoped and prayed that we’d be able to bounce back from it. Couples have problems. They work things out. It was going okay, i guess. Things were getting better. But it proved that I was living in a world of denial- believing what wasnt true. One day I just laid down the facts. That i was annoyed that he didnt text me for the whole day, and it didnt bother him at all. I was just wondering how, and why one could change so drastically in such a short time. So that’s where the talk began. He told me that maybe he wasnt ready for such a commitment since he put me in such a state. And we agreed on talking about it the day after. He never did. Until I brought it back up. That’s when he gathered his thoughts and came to a decision that we should end our relationship. He claimed he couldnt make me happy cos he wasnt ready for such a commitment and that i deserved someone better.

My heart dropped. And just fell to the ground. I could hear it shatter. Into so many pieces that I cant even begin counting them. I tried. I tried salvaging what was left of our already broken relationship. I failed. Miserably. It was then I realised I had to tell him anything and everything about how i felt right at that moment. I was about to cry; my heart just shrunk so small. But even the super long text couldnt convince the Amalul I fell in love with three months ago to come back.

I tried holding back my tears- keeping it inside till the next morning or till after my paper the next day. But again i failed. I had no choice but to turn to Mom. I desperately needed a hug. Something to signal to me that there’s still some joy in life and that there is something i havent lost. i told her what happened and I couldnt help but cry. Cos I was so sure of Amalul and that I trusted him that he deserved being with someone like me. I thought wrong. I felt better after telling Mom. I tried to sleep. I awoke the next day forcing myself to stay happy. I blocked everything out during the paper and once it was over everyone started hugging me and i had to cry. And i cried for a good one hour after I reached home.

I looked everywhere and I cant help but feel a surge of emptiness in me. Like literally empty. It was like as if my insides went missing. I felt hollow. I prayed to God and everytime i did, I would cry. I’d cry so much it ended up hurting my eyes. Now that I’ve grown I’m not a fan of venting anger, instead I keep it, and be patient instead. And as that happened my patience was wearing so thin it was almost non existent. I was going to let myself in to days and days of crying and not concentrating on my exams at all. But i prayed hard. I told God I accept everything that He has laid down for me. And I believe that there is a rainbow after the storm and that everything happens for a reason. And soon i found myself too tired to cry, or too tired to even tear. Whenever i think about it, no doubt, i stil cant believe it, but i was exhausted. I was exhausted from all the crying and all the emotions that have piled up over time. So thats what i did. I thanked those who have been there for me. And I found myself practically numb. I could sing sappy songs without crying. I could talk about the break up without crying. I choose to believe that I’m healing.

What makes me really sad is that he was so sure in the beginning. And I was too. He was so sure he loved me and he was so sure he’d want to commit to be in a relationship with me. And then now its all just well, over. It hurts for me to look into my planner cos I already had something in mind for his birthday and what to get him for his birthday. And It hurts to look into my file because the yellow envelope containing his note that we should get together was in it. And I cant stop myself from thinking “What was that?”

I suppose he was ready for a relationship. But he never figured that being in one means to make effort to maintain it. I dont blame anyone for the failure of our relationship. I’m just disappointed. Of all the people, I would never have expected him to pull off such a thing. I always looked at him as someone respectable, someone who’d never break my heart, someone who’d love me no matter what after what we’ve been through from the time he liked me till the time i returned his love. I thought wrong. But I guess things change. His love for me depleted, bit by bit.

I cant deny I miss everything about us. And what I’d do to relive them all over again and just pause at the times where we were all happy and keep replaying that parts. I can still remember what he said when he told me that i was beautiful inside and out. that i was smart and seeing me smile made him happy. I remember what he said when I told him my feelings for him were growing- “brb i need to scream for joy”. He treated me like a princess, ensuring that I’m okay and safe. And constantly teling me how much he loved and missed me. However, change is the only constant in life. He really meant alot to me. And i never lied whenever I told him that I loved him. Cos once I tell someone that I love them, I mean it- no questions asked. I still find it hard to believe that he left. He left me. He walked right out.

But I let him go. And I wont try to get what we had back. Cos in a relationship it takes two hearts to make it work. It means to fight together, through thick and thin. At the end of the day I was fighting for a broken relationship alone. His heart wasnt in it. I let him go cos I’d rather be alone, then be with someone who’s not on the same page as me. I’d rather be alone, than be with someone whose heart isnt in it. Because at the end of the day, whatever you do, it comes right from the heart.

Amalul was one of the guys i’ve dated that I could actually see myself having a future with. He was everything I needed and wanted. He was imperfect, but perfect enough for me. I dont want to try to fight what’s already written. Acceptance is hard. But I think it’s the only thing that I can do. Anything as long as he’s happy. Even if I had to sacrifice mine. I constantly pray for his safety, success and happiness. And I pray that the next girl who’d be his future girlfriend would be better than me. Someone awesome-er, prettier, and more intelligent than I am.

My word; that i love you. Always have and always will. And my heart.
That’s all that i can afford to give. That’s all.

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