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Infinite.

Nabilah and I were waiting for Asar in the solat room. So we surfed the net using my iPhone (which I still do not have a name for, by the way. Ideas, anyone?) We landed at stomp. So we were looking and reading breaking news and stuff. Thats when we came across Valentines’ Day stories. I read most of them with Nabilah. And I’d have to say some of them were kinda nice. And there were some which were like -_-” really. I was so tempted to enter the competition as well. Cos the stories sounded so BLEAH. not all of them. some of them.

I told Nabilah that our stories were much more doper and more natural, so to speak. to get where i’m coming from, you should really go stomp and read the stories. the stories that you’ll find -_-” is exactly the ones nabilah did -_-” this to. and the stories that you’ll find “awww” are the ones that nabilah and i said “ok la” HAHAHA

The thing with the competition was, you had to send in your photographs with your loved one. Apparently, the more you send, the higher the chance. the prizes were dope. Like the best entry will win 1000 bucks, 2nd best entry, 500 bucks and the 3rd best, 300 bucks. the best entry will get like studio photoshoots and shit… which i thought was like -_________-” ttm cos if the best entry winner werent a couple who are already married, or going to get married, then its so ridiculous.

imagine. if you’re just boyfriend and girlfriend. and you take studio photoshoots and everything. like omg. you wont even know if you will seriously end up marrying the one you’re with right. like they say, you just plan it, but God decides. Anything can happen. then after taking all the cool, paid- for photoshoots, you’ll break up in the long run. WHUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. i admire stories that end up with marriage lah. there was one. so i didnt mind if they got the photoshoot thing. cos they alr made a vow they’d stay by each other forever. but still, there’s still the issue of divorce, so again, it’s not really a ‘confirmed’ thing, so to speak.

I mean okay. Love. I tell you, nobody can ever describe what love is because everyone has their own definition of love. love can actually be like numbers- infinite. The most bombastic words arent enough to explain what love is. try it. you say love is (whatever you think it is) then u think again. is it enough?

I’m not trying to be the boring, pessimistic old lady… saying that love at this tender age wont last. the fact is, it’s true. yes, okay there might be those couples who are the exceptions. the ones who meet their future spouse in secondary school and have kids and everything. My auntie was one of them. But think about it, it is so rare. Everytime i think about just getting into a relationship and thinking THAT far, i will remember a story my ustazah told me.

she met this guy in school. they dated. and they got engaged. she had to leave for university at malaysia. so she left. and when she got back, her fiancee just broke up with her and told her he was gonna marry someone else. and they were together for seven years. you can stick to a person for that much time. but ultimately, your fate in love rests in the hands of God.

I never stop telling Amal how much I love him. But I never promise him things like, forever. I never tell him- I’ll love you FOREVER. or I’ll be there for you FOREVER. Cos I dont like making promises i cannot keep. Who knows what lies ahead for us? Will we still be together in years to come? Will he be the one i end up marrying? Will he be the father to my children? Is he the one God fated me to be with? earlier i questioned, “Will we be together in years to come?” Dont talk about years. Will we still be together tomorrow? or the day after? or next week? on his birthday? on hari raya? on our anniversary? on my next birthday?

I dont know. Nobody knows. sometimes these questions scare me. I look in my planner and set up the birthdates of the people close to me. I never add in my monthasaries, or my anniversary. Why? Cos what if, what if by the time that date comes, we wont be together anymore? I’d have to face that date, delete it, use correction tape- to erase and remove it. And as i’m typing this, it sounds painful already.

Maybe the future holds many things that I look forward to. The happy things. But the future scares me. I am afraid of the things that will hurt me, that will scar me, the things that will make me cry. I am afraid of the things I wont be strong for, and the difficult things that i have to go through. But thats life. And you gotta live life day by day, as if it’s your last day.

Everyday, I’m thankful for the people i have around me. I’m surrounded by so much love, care and concern. I’m thankful for the opportunities i’ve been given and the things i own.

I’ve been to the downward spiral. I know what it feels like to love, and get none in return. I know what it feels like to love, and have your heart broken. And I know what it feels like to love, and walk away. Since then love never came as close to what i had.

But God has His ways of giving you something that you need and desire in very unexpected ways. He has His ways of working things around. And right this moment, I’m eighteen, typing on my 3 year old laptop (which i think it’s a portable desktop cos the battery is useless) blessed with the best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. Question me on how things sparked between us- Maybe i cant answer that.

Why?

Cos Like my explanation about ‘love’, words are never enough to explain how we ended up where we are now. Words are never enough to explain what he went through and what I went through. And like i said. God works in mysterious ways. I never thought I’d end up with this dorky brace-faced, tall guy whom i turned to to pour my heart out and for a good laugh. But I did. I still cant explain how we ended up where we are.

I guess that’s the beauty of it all. And I wouldnt have it any other way

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