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When I lost her.

My condolences to Enno’s family. I know how it feels to see someone you love deteriorate right in front of your eyes. Be strong, and keep praying.

It was like a dejavu of what happened five years ago. I was twelve. I still remember the solemn surrounding in the house. The house seemed so dead, dark and black.

A week before she left, she was admitted to the hospital. I still remember that Sunday afternoon where she refused to eat or speak. Turns out whenever we tried to touch her, she’d wail in pain. She couldnt speak properly. Slurring was her only way of communicating. The sound of the wail still rings in my ear. Screaming in pain. Despite her slurring she still managed to recite verses from the Quran. I was scared. I didnt want to see the paramedics take her away. I closed my ears to stop myself from hearing her screams. I still believed that maybe, just maybe she’ll be okay.

PSLE prelims came. Mummy told me not to think too much about Nenek and concentrate on my exams. So i did. A few days passed, I didnt visit her cos I needed to revise. Finally the last paper finished. Skipped my way home, excited for Daddy to bring me to the hospital. Upon reaching, Mummy was already there. Then I saw her. Lying on the hospital bed. Having tubes all over. I could see her breathing. I could SEE HER. But she couldnt see me. She couldnt move, nor could she speak. She was just lying there. Went over to salam her, i didnt feel a grip. Daddy told me she was in coma. And Mummy told me she could still hear me. She was basically, a vegetable. Mummy made me sit beside her and talk to her. Tell her my sorries and how i feel. I thought I could still buy time. Just as i was done talking to her, i turned to go to the guest area. As i left, she left too. Her breathing that could be obviously seen, died down. I didnt see her chest moving up and down anymore- indicating that oxygen was entering her system. it just stopped. Doctors rushed in. they tried to revive her. I stood and just prayed that she’ll be okay. after 15 agonising minutes of waiting. the doctor opened the curtain with his head hung low. I dropped to my knees.

A part of me died. A part of me was no more. She left. Just like that. After I came and talked to her, she left. Could it be that she was waiting for me? My life had no meaning for awhile. It was meaningless. I felt lost. Cried in the arms of Uni Dar. Kept telling her that it cant be true. Specs started to fog. A part of me just died. Upon reaching home, the house was so empty. Like even the walls felt my sadness. rearranged the furniture, changed my clothes and did my prayers. I sat at one corner with Yassin in hand. I looked around the house. An old movie played in my head. I remembered days where she’d drag her slippers from her room to the kitchen… How we’d laugh watching Bujang Lapok… How she chased me around the house to make me sit and ngaji… it all came back. Slowly, but surely, i made my way to her room. Her scent, her bed. I couldnt believe she was gone. Yet all the memories still remain.

After all the services had passed. I had to go back to school. The first day, i cried upon reaching home. Cos as i said “Assalamualaikum” she wasnt there to reply me no more. No one was waiting for me at the door. No one to give me wet kisses before i go off to school. SHE WASNT THERE.

She was the one who prayed in front of the Kaabah so that Allah would bless my parents with me. She was the one who supported me no matter what. She was the one who taught me how to read Arab. She was the one who fed me, changed my diapers when my parents werent around. SHE WAS THE ONE.

But have I ever showed her how much i cared? Have i ever showed her how much i loved her? have i ever told her “Nenek, I love you” HAVE I? No. everyday I live my days regretting the fact that i never once showed her how much she meant to me. I took her for granted. Nobody can make satay padang like how she does. Nobody can make pucuk ubi like she does.

I miss her. And I forever will. But I guess, as much as a part of me died when she left, she still lives on within me.

Nek you know I love you. Although I never showed it. Sometimes I was rude to you and I’m sorry. I still wish you were here with me. I know you’re at a better place now. But you know, I miss the Bujang Lapok movies. It has never been the same without you. Whenever I see myself in the mirror, I see you within me. You played a part in shaping me. And I guess you really were waiting for me before you left. And I thank you for that. It showed that you loved me too. I know I havent been the ideal grand daughter that you wanted me to be. like how Kak mas and kak mes are. I know I’m no genius. But whatever I do, I’ll give it my all cos I know how much you believed in me.

Treasure the ones you love before they go. trust me. Cos the regret that you live with will haunt you. And its not really a good thing.

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