The wonders of the internet. It can get help you get information. It can help you get your research for projects. It can teach you shit like dancing and singing and playing the guitar. The internet is a very powerful tool. It’s called the WORLD WIDE WEB (WWW) for a reason.
So. I was in the net, roaming around.. clicking away. Until. I was quoted by somebody. The last time I was quoted was by Azura and that was about something about life. This time I was quoted for something else. Do i feel insulted? Yes. Do i feel like it was a mistake for me to have paid? yes, and no. Do i feel that the mental image that i had was true? Yes, and no.
This is MY story. On why i said what I said.
As much as i was happy i got in something that was rumoured to be very competitive, my heart dropped when i saw what i had to pay. I have to admit that i go to school wearing clothes from esprit and shit. and it costs alot of money. but it doesnt mean i abuse my privilage. I dont earn my own money. I dont have a job. I depend on my parents for my pocket money. For me, when i get new clothes that i share with my mum, I dont ask them for pocket money for the week. I’ll just use what i have left. If i run out of cash, then, either i bring my own food; or just drink water. So far, that hasnt happened yet. I had to decline class outings and chalets with my friends to save money. I was buzzed when i learnt i had to pay for something i’ve always had passion for. I started thinking and thinking. I used so much of my parents money already- and it was only the first few weeks of school. I felt guilty for having to ask money from my parents again. When i confided in them and my other family members, they told me to just go for it. I was shocked that my family members supported me despite having to pay the fees. And of course, I was happy. I was finally given a chance to do something i enjoyed other than playing an instrument.
I was proud to tell people that i got into dance. Cos it meant that I have some sort of potential. And it meant that I can actually improve on it and showcase it someday. I had doubts cos I didnt want to be caught amidst the politics and the rumours. Just when i felt comfortable and i was confident i was going to be fine, now i feel like i dont belong.
Although I’m blessed with the good things in life, I’m not rich, I dont live in a three storey home, I dont own a car. And I never abuse the fact that i’m the only child. I never abuse the fact that whatever i want, i get. I think before I decide to get something. If i really need it, then i’ll get it. But if i dont really need it, i’ll just live with the fact that i’ll get it some other day. So i was thinking “I love dancing. But i dont want to waste mum and dad’s money. What if i dont do well in it? What if I just cant click with the rest of the people. Which is more important, my hobby and my passion, or my parents?” As much as people say you have to chase your dream and what you really want and love doing, I cant bear to do that and watch my parents feel the pinch of withdrawing their own money. Parents dont really tell when they’re financially tight (well, my parents at least). Cos i guess all parents want their children to be happy. But still, there is still that sense of guilt that i had/still have for asking them for money for my needs. I feel that it’s not fair cos they should feel the satisfaction of earning their own money, not spend all of them on me.
God knows how much my heart sank when i had to choose between my passion and my parents. I can live without my passion- i can still dance at home, in my boxers, with no experience. But i cannot live without my parents.
And that is why i said what i said. And THIS is the exact reason why I have passion in psychology too. Cos when i study psychology, I dont just look at what’s visible, I ask myself why and what makes the person say or react the way they react. I did pay. Cold hard cash. And before i asked for the money, this is what i asked my dad “Daddy are you sure? I dont want to waste your money. I’m so afraid I’ll waste it just like that and it’s not something that has something to do with my studies. It’s something I enjoy doing. If you think it’s not that important, it’s fine. I’d rather let you save the money to buy stuff for the house, like food and all.”
I dont think about myself all the time when it comes to my family; What more my parents. I love my Mum and my Dad. If it hurts them. I’d sacrifice what i want and what i love to do just so they wont feel the pinch.