Love. Many of us ask what is the true meaning of love. The easiest way is to check the dictionary and take the meaning just as it is written and recorded. However, why is it that love feels so different when we feel it than when we read about it? Love is one of those things that can either make you or break you; make you happy or make you sad; make you smile or make you cry. Unfair isnt it? The way love brings you joy at one time, and brings you sadness in another. Love is one word, one emotion and feeling that i will never understand. Because unlike some words which have clear cut meanings and simple definitions, love goes both ways. Lucky ones experience the joy it brings, while some others experience the bitterness it gives.
I guess the confusion and the senselessness of it all is the true definition of love. Nobody will ever be able to understand or grasp the meaning of love. Cos as it is, it’s something that will never ever make sense. But still, many are in the midst of this thing called love. Love blinds you. Love makes you do stupid things. Love changes you. Love disorientates you in every way possible.
Some feel blessed that they feel love from a special person. It takes two to tango. It takes to hands to clap. While some experience the opposite of that. They’re holding onto nothing, they’re clapping air, they’re dancing alone.
As much as I know I’ll be fine and I’ll be ok, there is still a part of me still hanging on a thin line of hope. Although i’m aware that that my hope is wearing thin, I’d still like to believe. Everything seems so faded and so blurry. Everything right now can just be relived through my thoughts and memories. Then maybe when I do think about it, I’ll smile. And maybe if I do think about it, i’ll feel a tad bit better. When it’s all over, I’ll realise that nobody has created a machine that could take me back in time. And I’ll realise I’d have to just let go, and move on. It’s easier said than done. Trust me, I’d like to move on too. I wanna just look back, and continue walking. Right now, I’m looking back and i keep looking back. And I dont want to move. It’s like I want to be stuck in that moment forever. I dont want the moment to ever end. But I dug my own grave, I caused myself the pain. I have no one else to blame but myself. I still do feel guilty, and maybe I deserved it. I’m the sort who sticks to my own point of views, and my beliefs. But as i’ve said before, “even the best fall down sometimes” A point of weakness where i just fell flat. I listened to others who judged someone they didnt even know. I’ve disappointed myself, i’ve disappointed my beliefs.
People fall. but that’s never an excuse not to go on. I may have made a mistake- A mistake that caused me alot of sleepless nights, guilt trips and regrets. However, I’ve come to realise that life is too short for regrets. Life is too short to hang on to the past. Life is too short to just sit down and keep blaming yourself. Life is too short for you not to realise that everything happens for a reason. Life is just simply too short. As easy as I’m saying it, it’s hard not to look back and relive the past. But. I have to try.
It burns when you know that you’re sitting here feeling fucking miserable, and the other party is enjoying. It sucks when you’re trying real hard to take a step forward and the other party is way ahead of you. Funny. Cos I was the one who didnt want anything serious to begin with. And now I’m the one feeling like shit? What a joke, tiara. Yeah. Laugh at me. LAUGH. I dont get sick and tired of feeling like shit. Hmm. Cos I’M NORMAL. but in any case, i wont blabber about how unfair things are. and how unfair my life is. cos I would still like to believe that good things happen to those who wait. *serene face* I think it’s damn fucking funny. So damn fucking funny. Like. So funny, that I can just roll on the floor and laugh till i can laugh no more. Cos I was the one who wanted things to go slow. COS I WASNT THE ONE RUSHING. AND IT’S SO DAMN FUNNY COS NOW, I’M THE ONE SUFFERING. ok maybe not suffering, but i feel like a shitload of crap. So now you tell me. JUST TELL ME. Yah. cos sometimes people have the upper hand. They get what they want in a snap of a finger. Just like that. With smooth words and shit. But some people like me, take forever to meet someone- be it worthy or not. and i end up just falling into the shit. it happens to me all the time right? It’s like a hobby.
But fuck it. I’m immune to it? Probably so. But just so everyone who’s able to read this knows, Fuck love. What the fuck is love. Love is bullshit. until you can explain to me the true meaning of love and be confident about it (meaning if you’re attached, YOU BETTER FUCKING MARRY THAT PERSON), I will never take away the statement that Love is pure, utter bullshit. Maybe I’m saying this out of impulse, but I dont give a damn.
So Fuck love.
(My apologies for a very bitter ending to this post. It was typed out on Valentines Day but I refused to publish it. And I’m so sorry cos there’re mixed feelings in this post. both depresssing and angry. Like i said, I’ve lost my ability to feel. Not asking for any pity, but i think it’s best if I explained myself.)