the excuse

For avid readers who have read my blog this morning, I had one post with the same title. However, I deleted it cos I thought that kind of post didnt really help at all.

I stayed home today. I needed to be alone. Rants and anger fits with Enno did help a little, but sadly, it did not sustain for a long period of time. Luckily Enno was having a bad day too (or should I say, we’ve been having bad days). So she understood where I was coming from. I’m left with a day before I start school and I absolutely have no idea what and how to feel about it. I’m excited, yes. But I’m nervous all at the same time. I’ll handle it like I always do.

I’d like to apologise to my girls cos I know I havent been myself lately. I have been quiet and my jokes have not been surfacing like they always do. I cooped up myself at home, and within my thoughts. I feel really guilty that the only thing that’s stopping me from being the loony Tiara is because of my own issues. And I’m so sorry that you girls have to listen to the same old story over and over again. Nevertheless, I appreciate your concern. I love you girls to death and you girls one of those who actually keep me sane. Again, I’d like to apologise for being really quiet these days.

I guess I’m tired. Exhausted. Waking up everyday hoping there’ll be a glimmer of hope- and having that hope dashed. I feel that it has come to a point where it’s like i dont wanna care anymore. Like I’m just so tired that I dont wanna go on anymore. I just wanna sit there and do nothing. Do nothing. Expect nothing. Think nothing. I wish life was that simple; where you can just lay down and not think of anything at all. It’s not funny to leave people hanging. Especially when there’s some sort of emotional attachment. I’m only human. There’s only so much I can take.

Here I am, as the mostΒ NOT eligible girl for you, looking down at my shoes and shaking my head saying that I’m not okay. And here I am, as the most NOT eligible girl for you, taking my time typing this. Cos maybe. Just maybe. I miss you. But somehow I feel that my feelings dont matter anymore.

You were so caught up in being scared that you’d hurt me, that u never realised you already did.

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