What really rubs the salt in the wound, is to know and realise that I’m not like that.
What really burns my eyes and wrings my heart dry of blood, is to realise that I know i’m better.
Call it a conceited thought or whatever, but its things like these that give you the will to carry on.
I dont understand how, and why i could see ‘it’ flashing through my mind; amidst all the complicated thoughts that are already causing me much nausea and emotional distress.
Maybe I’ll never understand it, Maybe I dont even want to.
It’s just amazing how you’ve been lied to and shit, but you still hang tight with the person.
That is something I dont think I’ll ever know how to do.
Maybe I am being too nice. Maybe I am being too weak.
Afiq was right. How long more must I hang on to a thin, useless and pathetic thread?
How long more must i survive and struggle my way through in the past?
My presence wouldnt bring a surge of happiness or joy. But it would bring pain, suffering and a loss of freedom. Anything so someone else would be happy?
Isn’t that always the case? That has ALWAYS been the case. My happiness is always shortlived, for the benefit and the happiness of someone else. It leaves me broken and torn every time i do so. So tell me? Is it fair? Shouldnt life be about justice?
Then again, nothing is fair. Within every choice and action, there is bound to have winners and losers; pros and cons.
It’s the choice I make that leaves me broken. Every. Single. Time. I dont mind being the loser.
But you see. Although I’m the one who appears to be broken all the time; the loser all the time.
I gain something more. Something so much more. I win everytime i fall. I win everytime i break into pieces. I Win everytime i bleed.
How, you may ask?
I gain immunity. I gain experience. I gain strength. I gain knowledge.
It doesnt matter if i lose in the game of ‘love’ or emotional feelings.
Cos all i know is, i gain something in return.
I learn not to give up.
I learn not to quit.
I learn to use the pain as strength.
I upgrade myself more and more every time i fall.
I’m someone with dignity and morals.
I have value. It’s my morals that lead me to do the right thing, although the decisions i make may hurt me, or other people.
No one understands that the way my family does.
No one understands that the way my very good friends do.
The Cullens, Afiq, Iddy, Shahril, Midzi, Bal. Just to name a few.
Those who cant accept it, You dont know me.
Those who think its nonsense and crappy, You never knew me.
Those who think my morals are bullshit, You’ll never know me.
Then again, everyone’s different.
You lead your life your way, I lead life my way.
But If so happens that your way is the wrong way,
dont say i never reminded you.