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And I’m not that hard- hearted bitch

There’ll come a time when you’ll have all the anger and frusration in you. It makes you feel so shitty and crappy. And then, everything gets back to normal. Well, I make it a point that it does. Honestly, I havent been having happy days where i could just smile and know everything’s right in place. But I’m slowly getting there, and i only have myself to thank. And of course, to those innocent friends of mine who have been listening to my rants and my problems. I think they deserve some sort of Prize for being there for me. Though there are some whom I’ve fought with before, I’m glad we’ve buried the hatchet. Like, how long are we supposed to be angry at each other right? Speaking of burying the hatchet, I’m glad that throughout my crappy period, i gained alot. I’m finally in good terms with enn and i’ve never felt better.

Basically this post is just something i felt like posting. LOL. but really. I was surfing on the net and i came across some rather interesting words (dont worry, they aint dirty or whatever. just normal english, non-offensive words) As i read them, I was shocked. Cos it sounded like me a month ago. Pathetic, Useless, Confused, Hurt, Disturbed etc. Like you dont know where you’re going, and you dont know why it happened. And you start asking yourself all the questions that seem to never have an answer. You then try to muster up all the courage you got, and vomit out all the things that are left unsaid- hoping you’ll get what you’re fighting for. But you failed. You tried again, and you still failed. you wonder where you went wrong. And you end up letting your mind work by itself. Your mind started to be your villain. And you cant stop it. Because it has gained so much power after your emotional breakdown. It seemed impossible when you wanted to stop all the bullshit that your mind has been whispering to you. And you start thinking of the things that arent really important in the first place. You start to get angry at yourself. And from there, you start blaming yourself when it wasnt even your fault.

 

I was there once. I felt the hurt. I felt the pain and agony. I struggled to get over IT. It was agonising to just take one step. trust me, I aint lying. It was so bad that i forgot what physical pain felt like. Half of me felt like I’ve just been used. Another half felt like I’m the most stupidest human on the face of the Earth. After days and weeks of feeling down and blue, my heart was still aching. And literally aching. Like someone squeezed all your juices out from yr heart. Your heart feels small, it shrinks to the size of a mini oreo (or maybe smaller) I’ve felt the idea of false hope, I’ve felt the idea of everything being fake and plastic.

 

I’ve said it once before; what goes around comes around. And there’s your answer. Whatever i read, was exactly how i felt when I experienced it. Finally, you’ve got the taste of your own medicine. I sound sadistic, but this is not the purpose of the post.

 

I’m not a hard hearted bitch who has no room for forgiveness. And I’m not here to actually FORGIVE you. I’ll take my bloody time to forgive you. Contradictory, but this post is to give you a boost. I dont know why I’m being nice right now. but yeah. It’s not/never going to be easy for you to get out of the pit. It’s not going to be easy for you to look back and just continue walking. It’s not going to be easy to get over it. It’s damn bloody hard. But gimme a break. You’re man enough to know you have balls. You’re man enough to know and understand the meaning of fate. You’re man enough to not be so sensitive. Sometimes the only way to get better is to accept the fact that it couldnt have worked out. Right now, you’re dwelling on the fact that it happened, but didnt last. If you really want to get better than its your choice to make.

 

I made mine. It sucked. I felt shitty-ness run through my veins. I felt everything you could ever imagine. And not the good stuff. But I can still write about it not feeling as angry as i did before. I can just look back at what happened and just continue walking. Why? Because I wanted it to. I didnt coop up in my bubble- feeling all gloomy and keep asking myself “Why? Why? Why?” I got out. Then i figured, “Because God has something better for me” And so i moved on. I carried on. Even when it was hard. I was determined to get out of the hypnosis you worked on me.

 

I tried running away from the problems. I tried shutting it off. Then i realised that to every problem, there will be a solution. And to solve that problem, i needed to start with myself. I needed to believe, and accept the fact that it happened, it hurt, and it sucked. There was no point in inflicting myself with more emotional pain. Yes, I have shown anger and unhappiness. I’m not going to give excuses for that, cos its a fact and i admit it. but you know what, I’m done being angry. But I’m still taking my time to forgive you.

 

You can either take this as a form of advice or whatever they call it. But yeah. Life’s too short to be angry at something or someone. It’s too short to feel down and blue about something that didnt work out. Life’s too short to dwell on the past. It’s just way to short to have all the negativity.

 

So yeah.

 

Stop, refresh and
Carry On

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