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the wind will soon blow it all away

And so. My grandma has safely returned. Alhamdulillah. Thats all. She bought me a scarf which i’m gonna wear out with Iddy tmr, Insya Allah. Thats all i wanted to say.

A pretty lame excuse dont you think? Cling. Well. Lets see. You shouldnt have confessed your LIED feelings to me. You shouldnt have given me FAKE hope. You shouldnt have just randomly took my hand and made me believe. If you knew that you did not want me to ‘cling’ on to you, why did you give me hope? Yeah, I’m glad you realised how selfish you really are. Why did you look and sound as if u were PURSUING something with me, when in actual fact, it was all a bloody lie. Maybe you think I dont have such things called FEELINGS and EMOTIONS. Well, Sorry to burst your probably FAKE bubble, I do have feelings. God knows how much i felt for you. It WAS unexplainable. Now when i think of it, or you to be precise, i feel mad. So mad. Not at you. But at myself. Because I was such an idiot to have listened to all your sweet serenades and words. I still do get mad. I throw tantrums at non- living objects to let my anger of my stupidity out. And for you to think that i was so dumb not to realise it. Or maybe if u wanna put it in better terms- FIGURE IT OUT. I did figure it out. Long before you told me. which was 5 minutes ago. and honestly, i wasnt expecting you to acknowledge me a day before you were gnna set off for camp. cos i thought i was just a plaything, something temporary. a ‘joyride’ so to speak. well, thank you for the courtesy to tell me that you’re leaving. even though it has been playing in my head that you are gnna leave on the 10th. i just choose not to make it a big deal. why should it be. after all, you were something that wasnt real right? Yeah. Impulsive post, I know. But hey, i have all the right to. After you screwed me over with your selfish lies and sweet nothings. I appreciate the gesture of you to confess to me that u are a jerk with a huge bastard-ish attitude. At least now i dont feel so guilty when i speculate stuff about you after what has happened. At least i know all my speculations are indeed factual. And i’m aware that I’m not slandering. thanks alot. Thanks.

 

But you know what? You’re not worth for me to be angry at. I shouldnt let an asshole like you who’s full of bullshit make me angry at the world. Make me angry at myself. Its not worth it. You’re not worth it. Why should i waste the sun on a rainy day? I should go out and play with my purple umbrella. Anyway the sun is still shining, even under the thick clouds. Soon, the wind will clear the sky and i can see the sun agn. Now my life’s a tad bit gloomy. But JUST BECAUSE OF YOU, it will never stay gloomy. There will be one day when I;’d be able to see the sun again. And the only difference would be; you’re not in my sunny days. No wait. You will never be in ANY of my days.

 

I know i should stop and just let it go. Stop being angry. Stop being impulsive. And stop saying that you’re a jerk. I should just leave it to the hands of God. I know i should just forgive and forget. But my heart was stepped, trampled, crushed, wringed, squeezed so bad- that i cannot forgive you. Nobody has ever hurt me the way you did. No one. I cannot bring myself to tell you “Its okay. Apology accepted” Maybe in the far future. But not now, never now. I know i know. If God can forgive His people, why cant humans forgive other humans? I’m burned so bad, that I’m suffering trying to get better. Its torturing for me to get better. It hurts. After what you did to me, I’ll never be able to forgive you. I dont know if i’ll get wiser in the future and forgive you in the end. But now, I cannot forgive you. And for the fact that you admitted to the facade. I never tell someone how much i care and love for them unless i really2 honestly mean it. I meant what i said. But now. I wasted all my time telling you how much i cared. All that i said, now are just mere words. which mean nothing. I feel insulted. I feel used.

 

So now, you tell me. Do you deserve to be forgiven?
I think not.

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