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It gets harder and harder each day

Today was rough. The urge to quit got bigger and my fingers are itchy to type out my early withdrawal from being the Chairperson of PSL. After geog, i changed and rushed to get the MM room keys. Luckily Miss Harveen was in the staff room so i got it pretty quick. It was a crisis- for me. I was lacking manpower cos the sec 2s were off to go for their conversational programme. This kind of situations arent supposed to freak me out. But today, it did. I kept my cool. I called out for help, but no. Excuses like, “I’m not in black shoes” came back to haunt me. I was stunned. I sat in the MM room alone, thinking what the hell i’m supposed to do with my core. Wait. Do i still call it a core? Cos it hardly looks like one. I think its so messed up that its like just a bunch of people. No bond, no nothing. But for the sec 1s, i had to put on a fake smile. Even if it was just for awhile. Hamzah cracked me up upon reaching- which made me feel a tad bit better. Had a talk with Hamzah before i went home. Knocked some sense into me.  I’m losing my core. I’m losing the bond. Wait, WE are losing the bond. I lost the trust. I dont feel respected as a chairperson. And then i realised how hard it is to satisfy everyone i know. It sucks how i’m not being the perfect chairperson. Yeah. Those who are like against me would say “tahu takper” or  “Woah. she finally realised” haha. somehow i know what you guys would say. its so typical. Tell me why i’m NOT suprised. Like, really. No one would understand this but yeah. You have no idea how hard it is to make sure that your team members are with you no matter what. Its so hard to make sure that your team members have fun being around you, and at the same time respect you. I know i cant have the best of both worlds. But yeah. I wish I was capable to do that. yet again, no one thinks the way i do, so i respect that. As much as i want to quit- like, so bad. I wont. Cos I still have the other juniors under me. To walk out on them would mean complete betrayal and i will not leave the team known as a quitter. Even if people stab me in the back, gossip or whatever, I’m willing to take the bullet to save this family I’ve tried hard to build and mould. I will mould it back. Even if i lose my face, it doesnt matter. I want my family back. And if no one wants to do something about it, then I will. I’ve gone through the worst of times. And believe me when i say, I dont need anyone else but my PSL seniors and my parents. Cos the rest of the other humans are just extras who have a choice to stick by and support, or just be plain, ignorant humans who apparently thinks the world revolves around them. These people dont deserve to be apologetic to, cos yeah. Their heads and their egos are so damn big.  Yet again, THESE are my thoughts. So if anyone’s unhappy, then take it as, i think differently than you do. So you cant blame me. Everyone’s different. So if u cant live with that, then thats pretty much your problem. Aite. I’m off. Rocks on, people. PS: I still have a picture of us in my wallet. And I have never been able to throw it away. 

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